Norm Westervelt

A man. A method. A metaphor.

⚠️ Reality Disclaimer

This site is 100% satire and creative expression. "Norm Westervelt" is an entirely fictional character representing an executive archetype, not any specific individual. Any resemblance to real persons named Norm Westervelt (or anyone else) is purely coincidental.

This site contains no factual claims about any real person and is protected artistic expression and parody. No real Norm Westervelt endorses, sponsors, or is affiliated with this creative project in any way.

Welcome to the unofficial, unauthorized, and highly structured digital shrine to the idea of Norm Westervelt β€” a fictional corporate executive archetype who believes chaos is a virus, and Gantt charts are a cure.

This site is satire. It is not affiliated with any real person named Norm Westervelt or Norman Westervelt. If you are a real Norm Westervelt, we apologize. And thank you for the inspiration.

The Visionary

A glimpse of structured excellence.

Photograph Redacted
Image too powerful for public consumption

"His eyes scan spreadsheets at 240 rows per minute. His handshake communicates 47 data points. His presence increases operational efficiency by 23.7%."

β€” Observer who requested anonymity due to restructuring concerns

πŸ“Š The Simplicity Scorecardβ„’

Measure your structural enlightenment.

πŸ’­ Norm's Daily Wisdom

Structure your thoughts with today's corporate koan.

""

🎧 NormCast: The Podcast of Eternal Optimization

Now streaming from the boardroom in your mind.

πŸ“… Episode 1: "Q4 Begins at Birth"

"We don't have quarters… we are the quarter."

πŸ“ˆ Episode 2: "Speed Is a Love Language"

"If you're not delivering fast, what are you even optimizing for?"

πŸ“Š Episode 3: "Feelings Are Data. Ignore Them."

"The numbers never cry, and neither should you."

Norm Westervelt satire motivational poster: A man with missing teeth smiles intensely. Text below reads 'FEELINGS ARE DATA, IGNORE THEM.'

πŸŒ€ Episode 4: "The Org Chart Is My Spirit Animal"

"I once had a dream I was promoted to God."

Norm Westervelt satire motivational poster: A man with missing teeth smiles intensely. Text below reads 'I ONCE HAD A DREAM I WAS PROMOTED TO GOD'

πŸ“Š The Westervelt Methodβ„’

Five principles for structured tyranny disguised as leadership.

1

Quantification Before Qualification

"If it exists, it can be measured. If it can't be measured, it shouldn't exist."

All human experiences, emotions, and interactions can and should be reduced to discrete, trackable metrics. Creativity is just undisciplined productivity.

Implementation:
  • β€’ Replace all adjectives in communication with percentages
  • β€’ Require employees to self-report happiness efficiency (0-100%)
  • β€’ Start every statement with a number or statistic, regardless of relevance
2

Accelerative Decision Velocity

"A wrong decision at light speed is better than the right decision tomorrow."

Speed isn't just a variableβ€”it's the only variable. Decisions should be made before all the facts are in, preferably before the question is fully formed.

Implementation:
  • β€’ Cut people off mid-sentence with your decision
  • β€’ Set countdown timers for all meetings (visible to all)
  • β€’ Implement the 3-Second Rule: if you can't decide in 3 seconds, outsource it
3

Structural Hyperoptimization

"The org chart is a mirror of divine order."

Reorganize constantly. Change reporting structures weekly. The perfect org structure exists, and you'll find it on the 47th reorganization, not the 46th.

Implementation:
  • β€’ Reorganize departments every fiscal quarter
  • β€’ Create exactly 7 layers of management (the optimal number)
  • β€’ Force employees to compete for new positions in each restructuring
4

Competitive Mindshare Allocation

"Work-life balance is just a phrase invented by the unambitious."

All thoughts should be company thoughts. All time should be company time. Personal identity is an inefficiency to be optimized away.

Implementation:
  • β€’ Eliminate vacation days in favor of 'strategic rejuvenation blocks'
  • β€’ Send 2am emails and track response times
  • β€’ Hold family events at the office to eliminate commute inefficiency
5

Precision Language Engineering

"Don't communicate. Transmit data points."

Language exists to convey metrics and deadlines. All other uses are waste. Empathy is just inefficient communication.

Implementation:
  • β€’ Ban adjectives that can't be quantified (e.g., 'good' β†’ '72% effective')
  • β€’ Replace 'Good morning' with 'Productivity commenced'
  • β€’ Speak in bullet points and KPIs at all times
Results not guaranteed. Side effects may include employee turnover, loss of work-life balance, and Excel-induced carpal tunnel.

⏰ Norm's Optimized Schedule

Every minute accounted for. Every second a KPI.

(For educational purposes only. Do not attempt.)
04:30
Wake up
No alarm needed. Body trained to awaken at peak productivity hour.
04:31
Review sleep data
Analyze REM metrics for optimization opportunities.
04:45
Cold shower (4.5 minutes)
Temperature set to exactly 51.2Β°F for maximum cortisol optimization.
04:50
Meditation/Visualization
Not for peace. For restructuring global markets in mind.
05:00
First email sweep
Process 150 emails, using AI to draft responses while exercising.
05:45
Nutrient consumption
Meal replacement shake with 27 supplements. Chewing wastes time.
06:00
Early team calls
Triple-booked. Three devices, three meetings, one Norm.
08:00
Strategic dashboarding
Create 7 new KPIs no one understands but everyone will fear.
10:00
Mid-morning optimization block
Deliver feedback to 12 direct reports simultaneously.
12:00
Working lunch
Food delivered via app while on treadmill desk (8.5 mph).
13:00
Aggressive expansion planning
What can't be measured can be acquired.
16:00
Family time (scheduled)
4-minute video call while in transit between meetings.
19:00
Dinner with thought leaders
Discussions about disrupting sleep industry with 'Always Awake' app.
21:30
Second meditation/visualization
Imagine competitors failing while reviewing quarterly targets.
22:00
Scheduled rest period
Precisely 4.7 hours of sleep. Dreams are itemized and logged.
Daily Metrics:
  • β€’ Sleep Efficiency: 99.7%
  • β€’ Emails Processed: 347
  • β€’ Words Spoken: 7,439 (12% under target)
  • β€’ Calories Consumed: 1,872 (0.02% deviation)
  • β€’ Thoughts of Actual Leisure: 0 (perfect score)

πŸ’Ό Norm's LinkedIn Thought Leadership

Inspiring millions, one humble brag at a time.

NW
Norm Westervelt
CEO at Structured Excellenceβ„’ β€’ Optimizing Since Birth
3h β€’ 🌐
3:47 AM. No alarm. Winners don't wait for the sun. β˜€οΈ Agree?
#hustle #grindset #4amclub
2341 comments (all scheduled)
NW
Norm Westervelt
CEO at Structured Excellenceβ„’ β€’ Optimizing Since Birth
1d β€’ 🌐
Fired someone yesterday. Their crime? Using the word "impossible." That desk is now 23% more productive. (It's empty.) Thoughts? πŸ‘‡
#leadership #toxicpositivity
12847 comments (all scheduled)
NW
Norm Westervelt
CEO at Structured Excellenceβ„’ β€’ Optimizing Since Birth
3d β€’ 🌐
My son asked to play catch. I said: "What's the ROI?" He cried. He'll understand in 20 years. Parenting is just long-term stakeholder management.
#dadlife #ROI #priorities
4521 comments (all scheduled)
NW
Norm Westervelt
CEO at Structured Excellenceβ„’ β€’ Optimizing Since Birth
5d β€’ 🌐
Barista: "How are you?" Me: "94.7% capacity. 12% improvement trajectory. Q3 objectives 78% complete." She looked confused. Most people have NO IDEA how they're doing. Know your metrics. Always.
#selfawareness #metrics
892 comments (all scheduled)
NW
Norm Westervelt
CEO at Structured Excellenceβ„’ β€’ Optimizing Since Birth
1w β€’ 🌐
🚨 Humbled to announce 🚨 My team voted me "Most Likely to Schedule His Own Funeral During a Zoom Call." Some see an insult. I see VALIDATION. Last words: "Let's take this offline."
#blessed #leadership
1203 comments (all scheduled)
NW
Norm Westervelt
CEO at Structured Excellenceβ„’ β€’ Optimizing Since Birth
2w β€’ 🌐
My wife said I work too much. I asked her to submit that feedback through the proper channels. She filed for divorce. Through a lawyer. Respect the process. πŸ™
#boundaries #process
8921 comments (all scheduled)
NW
Norm Westervelt
CEO at Structured Excellenceβ„’ β€’ Optimizing Since Birth
2w β€’ 🌐
Unpopular opinion: Crying at work is fine. As long as you log it. I track mine in a spreadsheet. Column A: Timestamp Column B: Duration Column C: Productivity impact Last cry: Q2 2019. 47 seconds. -0.3% daily output. Acceptable.
#mentalhealth #data
3421 comments (all scheduled)

πŸ—£οΈ Voices of the Optimized

Real fictional testimonials from imaginary associates.

"
I now measure my children's affection in quarterly increments. My daughter is down 15% YoY but my son shows promising Q4 trajectory. Norm taught me that.
Jennifer M.
Former Director of Human-Feeling Resources
Tenure: 2.3 quarters
Status: Divorced, but efficiently
"
I've been awake for 72 hours. I can taste sounds now. The fluorescent lights are speaking to me in KPIs. I've never been more productive. Please don't tell HR.
Marcus T.
Senior Vice President of Synergy Alignment
Tenure: 7 months
Status: Ascended
"
My therapist says I have 'learned helplessness.' I told her that's just undocumented process dependency. She asked me to leave. I asked for her NPS score.
Sarah K.
Junior Metrics Optimization Specialist
Tenure: 3 weeks
Status: Promoted to customer
"
Norm taught me that family is just a team with poor retention metrics. I've since optimized my household. My wife reports to me biweekly. The kids have OKRs.
David L.
Chief Domestic Officer
Tenure: 1.7 years
Status: Family relocated to undisclosed location
"
He told me I was '94.3% optimal.' I've spent 18 months looking for the missing 5.7%. I found it. It was my soul. I had to let it go. Much more efficient now.
Amanda R.
Director of Almost-Excellence
Tenure: 8 months
Status: Eyes no longer blink
"
I am the spreadsheet now. The spreadsheet is me. We have merged. This is not a metaphor. Please send help. Actually don't. Help isn't in the budget.
Robert J.
Transcendent Workflow Being
Tenure: ∞
Status: Cell B7
"
Dad missed my wedding because it wasn't on his calendar. He sent a Loom video instead. 47 minutes of feedback on my vows. Said they lacked actionable takeaways.
Tyler W.
Norm's Son
Tenure: 34 years
Status: Low performer (his words)
"
He scheduled our honeymoon during my sprint review. When I objected, he asked if love was a P0 or P1. I didn't have an answer. He did. It was P3.
Linda W.
Norm's Ex-Wife
Tenure: 12 years
Status: Restructured out
* All testimonials are fictional. Any resemblance to actual workplace trauma is purely coincidental.

πŸ“– The Westervelt Lexicon

Corporate terms, redefined for maximum efficiency.

πŸ“š Norm's Reading List

Rated by pages-per-hour, not content.

⏰

The 4-Hour Workweek

Timothy Ferriss

4 hours? I did it in 2.7. Ferriss lacks ambition.

⏱️ 47 minπŸ“– 416 pages⚑ 8.9 pgs/min
β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜†β˜†
Too slow
πŸ§€

Who Moved My Cheese?

Spencer Johnson

I don't adapt to change. Change adapts to me.

⏱️ 12 minπŸ“– 96 pages⚑ 8.0 pgs/min
β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜†
Acceptable
πŸ†

Good to Great

Jim Collins

I skipped 'Good.' Started at 'Great.' Ended at 'Norm.'

⏱️ 1.2 hrsπŸ“– 400 pages⚑ 5.6 pgs/min
β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜†
Useful baseline
🎯

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Stephen Covey

Only 7? I have 43. Covey was coasting.

⏱️ 52 minπŸ“– 381 pages⚑ 7.3 pgs/min
β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜†β˜†
Incomplete
πŸ’ͺ

Extreme Ownership

Jocko Willink

Finally, someone who understands. 4:30 AM is late.

⏱️ 1.1 hrsπŸ“– 320 pages⚑ 4.8 pgs/min
β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…
Norm-approved
🧘

The Power of Now

Eckhart Tolle

Read it while doing three other things. Missed the point. Don't care.

⏱️ 23 minπŸ“– 236 pages⚑ 10.3 pgs/min
β˜…β˜…β˜†β˜†β˜†
Unproductive
πŸ“Š

Measure What Matters

John Doerr

I measure everything. Even this review. 94.7% optimal.

⏱️ 58 minπŸ“– 320 pages⚑ 5.5 pgs/min
β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…
Essential
😴

Why We Sleep

Matthew Walker

Propaganda. Skimmed in 8 minutes at 3 AM. Disagreed.

⏱️ 8 minπŸ“– 368 pages⚑ 46.0 pgs/min
β˜…β˜†β˜†β˜†β˜†
Dangerous
"I don't read for pleasure. Pleasure is inefficient. I read for competitive advantage."

❓ Ask Norm

Frequently asked questions, optimally answered.

πŸ“… Schedule Time with Norm

If you can find an opening.

πŸ“†

Click below to search Norm's calendar for available time slots.

πŸ’¬ Submit Feedback to Norm

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